Desert Rose
This flower caught my eye.
May be it was the fresh scent, may be it was the bold display of colours, it's radiance .. something.. it made me turn.
I couldn’t see it very well from far but couldn’t take my eyes of it. There was a strange force drawing me towards it.
I decided to step towards it.
As I went near, an amazing thing happened. It began to change!
In a moment it was a burning bush.
I blinked.
It was now a ferocious tiger. It’s eyes were ablaze!
I rubbed my eyes.
This time the transfiguration was into a dragon spewing fire.
Just as I was thinking of drawing my sword out, it changed again .. into the beautiful flower.
Mustering all the courage that I had, with a hand holding tightly on the sword, I went closer, initially at a slower pace and later faster.
It did not change.
I went closer and closer.
No change.
I was now almost at a touching distance.
I went closer.
It wasn't there anymore !
In front of me was a calm and peaceful sea, extending far and beyond, forever..
Ah ! a mirage !
In a flash I saw that all that I learnt through my travels was worthless - like a line drawn on water, I still couldn’t see through things.
Did I wish that I'd continued on my travel and not stopped ?
ps: if you came here accidentally while searching for Sting's Desert Rose, sorry. You can get the lyrics here -> Desert Rose
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Friday, September 09, 2005
Seeking Heaven(contd)
“Haha. I was just joking. It is not very scary afterall.”
She came close and sat on the stool by my bed and looked at me eagerly. Gosh ! such innocence ! I have to invent a story. Invent ? Ummm. Let me tell bits and pieces from paradise lost.
I kept the pad and pen on the table, slid down so that I could rest my head on the pillow well. Pulled the other pillow below this one so that even as I lay there, I could see her face.
“Do you know who satan is ?”
“Yes. He is the devil who kills people if they go out in the night, no ?”
“yes. Yes . you know at lot. He was actually an angel – the most beautiful and important. He was called Lucifer, the light bearer.”
“oh ! why did he become a devil? Did he turn into demon with 3 heads and 6 hands?”
“No no no. That demon was Lucifer’s servant. He became like that when he was getting fried in Hell’s fire.”
“fire ? why did he fall into the fire?”
“Melle, melle. I’ll tell you. What happened was , one day, God announced that he had made his son as the king of everything. Lucifer didn’t like this when he heard it. He said God decides what ever he wants and does things without even telling them anything and that He always wants to be praised and does not like opposition. Lucifer convinces a few other angles to fight against God. Then immediately a war starts – Lucifer and his angels on one side and God’s angels on other side. Angels fight hard for one full day and manage to drive out Lucifer and army. But in the night Lucifer plans hard, makes new weapons and strategy and in the next day’s battle beat the heaven’s angels. Now the angels rush back to God for help.”
“Mole, uncle ine shalyappeduthathe. Uncle inu sukhamillannariyathilliyo ?”
(“dear, don’t disturb uncle. Don’t you know that he is not keeping well?”)
Leena was here. Kumaran was with her. Kumaran , the doctor , the pride of our village. When he had returned from England after his studies, everyone was there to greet him. In some meeting that he was asked to speak about his achievements, he had apparently told that I was the reason for him being what he was. Well ! I felt happy to hear that. 15 years never seemed a separation. I was his friend , mentor , financier ..well ! I had even started him off on smoking and drinking. He never coughed. Even on his first smoke. It was curious, the way he smoked I mean. He never took the smoke inside. A puff inside the mouth and he used to blow it out. I kept telling him to take it to his chest and feel the heat in the lungs. He never listened. Here he is, my doctor.
I tried to sit up. It was a strain. The whole body was aching. The pain in the stomach was getting worse but I tried to not think about it.
“Stephen saare enikkanda. Kidannolu.”
(“Stephen sir, don’t get up. Lie down.”)
“enthado Kumara, njaan eppo vadiyaakum ?”
(what’s up Kumar, When am I going to die?)
“saaru veshmikkathe. Pandathe poleyounnumalla. Ippol canceru vannalonnum valiya kaaryamalla. Njan Chemoyude kaaryam chodikkan vannadanu”
(“don’t worry sir. It is not like early days. Cancer is not a big issue nowadays. It can be cured. I came to ask you about Chemo.”)
“Haha. I was just joking. It is not very scary afterall.”
She came close and sat on the stool by my bed and looked at me eagerly. Gosh ! such innocence ! I have to invent a story. Invent ? Ummm. Let me tell bits and pieces from paradise lost.
I kept the pad and pen on the table, slid down so that I could rest my head on the pillow well. Pulled the other pillow below this one so that even as I lay there, I could see her face.
“Do you know who satan is ?”
“Yes. He is the devil who kills people if they go out in the night, no ?”
“yes. Yes . you know at lot. He was actually an angel – the most beautiful and important. He was called Lucifer, the light bearer.”
“oh ! why did he become a devil? Did he turn into demon with 3 heads and 6 hands?”
“No no no. That demon was Lucifer’s servant. He became like that when he was getting fried in Hell’s fire.”
“fire ? why did he fall into the fire?”
“Melle, melle. I’ll tell you. What happened was , one day, God announced that he had made his son as the king of everything. Lucifer didn’t like this when he heard it. He said God decides what ever he wants and does things without even telling them anything and that He always wants to be praised and does not like opposition. Lucifer convinces a few other angles to fight against God. Then immediately a war starts – Lucifer and his angels on one side and God’s angels on other side. Angels fight hard for one full day and manage to drive out Lucifer and army. But in the night Lucifer plans hard, makes new weapons and strategy and in the next day’s battle beat the heaven’s angels. Now the angels rush back to God for help.”
“Mole, uncle ine shalyappeduthathe. Uncle inu sukhamillannariyathilliyo ?”
(“dear, don’t disturb uncle. Don’t you know that he is not keeping well?”)
Leena was here. Kumaran was with her. Kumaran , the doctor , the pride of our village. When he had returned from England after his studies, everyone was there to greet him. In some meeting that he was asked to speak about his achievements, he had apparently told that I was the reason for him being what he was. Well ! I felt happy to hear that. 15 years never seemed a separation. I was his friend , mentor , financier ..well ! I had even started him off on smoking and drinking. He never coughed. Even on his first smoke. It was curious, the way he smoked I mean. He never took the smoke inside. A puff inside the mouth and he used to blow it out. I kept telling him to take it to his chest and feel the heat in the lungs. He never listened. Here he is, my doctor.
I tried to sit up. It was a strain. The whole body was aching. The pain in the stomach was getting worse but I tried to not think about it.
“Stephen saare enikkanda. Kidannolu.”
(“Stephen sir, don’t get up. Lie down.”)
“enthado Kumara, njaan eppo vadiyaakum ?”
(what’s up Kumar, When am I going to die?)
“saaru veshmikkathe. Pandathe poleyounnumalla. Ippol canceru vannalonnum valiya kaaryamalla. Njan Chemoyude kaaryam chodikkan vannadanu”
(“don’t worry sir. It is not like early days. Cancer is not a big issue nowadays. It can be cured. I came to ask you about Chemo.”)
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Itty and Kitty
“Hey Kitty, do you know what a haiku is ?.”
“I don’t know.”
“what do you know then ?”
“Do you know what it is ?”
“Not exactly. But a bit.”
“Then ? I am better. Haven’t you heard of ‘A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.’? ”
“Ok. Forget that. I will tell you what I know. Then we will play this game.”
“Is it a game? We will play then.”
“Wait! Don’t jump the gun. Let me tell you the rules.”
“OK”
“It is a poem with small stanzas, each containing only 3 lines. First line has 3 words , second line 5 words and third line 3 words. Generally first 2 lines will be to build up something and the last line will be to completely illuminate or contrast whatever was said earlier. Ok ? But we wont follow all that image contrasting-enhancing stuff.”
“Ok. Can we play this ? I don’t know to write poems and you also don’t know.”
“How can you say I don’t know. I won prize for poetry last year.”
“I guess things are quite easy in a boy’s school”
“forget forget it. Anakkaryathinte idakku chenakkaryam kondu varathe. Let us play. But before that to make it interesting, we’ll make one more rule. Your stanza should start with the word that my stanza ends with. Ok ? fine ?”
“fine. You start”
one single glance
one thousand small pointed hills
your pimply face
“poda, I cant play such stupid games. vere vallom undengil para.”
(“go away, I cant play such stupid games. Tell me if there is something else.”)
“Come on. Take it in the spirit of the game. You make something which will be against me!”
face dark red
hair strand here bush there
broken soiled imagination
imagination a dew
concealed in head , let go
oceans wave out
"Look. Bus is coming. Rest of it, we will play tomorrow."
“Hey Kitty, do you know what a haiku is ?.”
“I don’t know.”
“what do you know then ?”
“Do you know what it is ?”
“Not exactly. But a bit.”
“Then ? I am better. Haven’t you heard of ‘A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.’? ”
“Ok. Forget that. I will tell you what I know. Then we will play this game.”
“Is it a game? We will play then.”
“Wait! Don’t jump the gun. Let me tell you the rules.”
“OK”
“It is a poem with small stanzas, each containing only 3 lines. First line has 3 words , second line 5 words and third line 3 words. Generally first 2 lines will be to build up something and the last line will be to completely illuminate or contrast whatever was said earlier. Ok ? But we wont follow all that image contrasting-enhancing stuff.”
“Ok. Can we play this ? I don’t know to write poems and you also don’t know.”
“How can you say I don’t know. I won prize for poetry last year.”
“I guess things are quite easy in a boy’s school”
“forget forget it. Anakkaryathinte idakku chenakkaryam kondu varathe. Let us play. But before that to make it interesting, we’ll make one more rule. Your stanza should start with the word that my stanza ends with. Ok ? fine ?”
“fine. You start”
one single glance
one thousand small pointed hills
your pimply face
“poda, I cant play such stupid games. vere vallom undengil para.”
(“go away, I cant play such stupid games. Tell me if there is something else.”)
“Come on. Take it in the spirit of the game. You make something which will be against me!”
face dark red
hair strand here bush there
broken soiled imagination
imagination a dew
concealed in head , let go
oceans wave out
"Look. Bus is coming. Rest of it, we will play tomorrow."
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Seeking Heaven(contd)
“Uncle what are you writing ?”
I looked up. It was leena’s daughter. A 5 year old cute kid. She took after her mother - always very cheerful.
I smiled at her. “A story.”
“A story ? I love to hear stories. Can you tell me one ?”
“Ayyo, mole, I am writing a story about a big demon who has 6 hands and 3 heads. His eyes are red , they burn like the sun, his nails are sharp , his tongues protrude out and you can see blood dripping from them, his teeth are long and pointed sharper than that of a lion. It will scare you. Let me not tell you about him.”
“No no uncle. You have to tell me the story. I wont be afraid.”
“Uncle what are you writing ?”
I looked up. It was leena’s daughter. A 5 year old cute kid. She took after her mother - always very cheerful.
I smiled at her. “A story.”
“A story ? I love to hear stories. Can you tell me one ?”
“Ayyo, mole, I am writing a story about a big demon who has 6 hands and 3 heads. His eyes are red , they burn like the sun, his nails are sharp , his tongues protrude out and you can see blood dripping from them, his teeth are long and pointed sharper than that of a lion. It will scare you. Let me not tell you about him.”
“No no uncle. You have to tell me the story. I wont be afraid.”
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Itty and Kitty
Itty : “Kitty, namukkendengilum kalikkam” (“Kitty, shall we play something?”)
Kitty : “Shari. Pakshe enikku avidem ividem odan vayya.”(“Sure. But I cant run here and there.”)
Itty : “OK. We’ll play a word game.”
Kitty : “How”
Itty : “I will tell a word and immediately you should tell the first word that comes to your mind when you hear my word. Ok ? fine. If somebody repeats a word which is already told, that person loses. Or if somebody tells more than one word, that person loses. Ok ?”
Kitty : “OK. But no bad words. You are sometimes a wicked boy.”
Itty : “Agreed. We’ll start. ”
I : “game”
K : “energy”
I : “fuel”
K : “oil”
I : “hair”
K : “man”
I : “muscle”
K : “strength”
I : “meat”
K : “butcher”
I : “arif”
K : “kashmir”
I : “problem”
K : “maths”
I : “computers”
K : “bangalore”
I : “garden”
K : “flowers”
I : “bees”
K : “honey”
I : “nectar”
K : “life”
I : “death”
K : “heaven”
I : “hell”
K : “burn”
I : “fire”
K : “gas”
I : “money”
K : “wealth”
I : “rich”
K : “poor”
I : “slums”
K : “politicians”
I : “deve gowda”
Kitty : “yeeeah. You lost. 'Deve gowda' is 2 words. ”
Itty : “No way. It is one person’s name.”
“You are a cheat. I am not playing with you.”
“ok. bye”
Itty : “Kitty, namukkendengilum kalikkam” (“Kitty, shall we play something?”)
Kitty : “Shari. Pakshe enikku avidem ividem odan vayya.”(“Sure. But I cant run here and there.”)
Itty : “OK. We’ll play a word game.”
Kitty : “How”
Itty : “I will tell a word and immediately you should tell the first word that comes to your mind when you hear my word. Ok ? fine. If somebody repeats a word which is already told, that person loses. Or if somebody tells more than one word, that person loses. Ok ?”
Kitty : “OK. But no bad words. You are sometimes a wicked boy.”
Itty : “Agreed. We’ll start. ”
I : “game”
K : “energy”
I : “fuel”
K : “oil”
I : “hair”
K : “man”
I : “muscle”
K : “strength”
I : “meat”
K : “butcher”
I : “arif”
K : “kashmir”
I : “problem”
K : “maths”
I : “computers”
K : “bangalore”
I : “garden”
K : “flowers”
I : “bees”
K : “honey”
I : “nectar”
K : “life”
I : “death”
K : “heaven”
I : “hell”
K : “burn”
I : “fire”
K : “gas”
I : “money”
K : “wealth”
I : “rich”
K : “poor”
I : “slums”
K : “politicians”
I : “deve gowda”
Kitty : “yeeeah. You lost. 'Deve gowda' is 2 words. ”
Itty : “No way. It is one person’s name.”
“You are a cheat. I am not playing with you.”
“ok. bye”
Friday, September 02, 2005
An Armed Adversary(contd)
Present
(2 years later)
I just got my new crutches today. I practiced walking with it but it wasn’t comfortable. I’d rather prefer to hop on my right leg. The eyewitnesses to the accident said I didn’t cry out aloud even when the tyres had gone over my left leg crushing it completely. Yeah , true . how could I ? My mind was totally elsewhere. I’d slipped into unconsciousness directly from my dream.
Present
(2 years later)
I just got my new crutches today. I practiced walking with it but it wasn’t comfortable. I’d rather prefer to hop on my right leg. The eyewitnesses to the accident said I didn’t cry out aloud even when the tyres had gone over my left leg crushing it completely. Yeah , true . how could I ? My mind was totally elsewhere. I’d slipped into unconsciousness directly from my dream.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
An Armed Adversary
Past
9.15. As usual I reached the station just on time. My dad’s incessant ranting about going early to a place never had any effect on me. At 25, I still managed to do things only at the nick of time. School , college , exams , work , bus, train, even flight ! I was never a bird to do a thing in advance. Wait till the last moment and struggle to complete a thing or reach a place ! gee !! when am I going to get out of it ?
I walked swiftly to S6. I wanted to reach the seat as fast as possible, keep the baggage, take the book and start reading it. So far there has just been a mention of Anna as Stiva’s sister but she hasn’t yet made her appearance in the world of Stiva, Dolly, Levin or Kitty. If she were so important to be named as the book’s title, where was she – the all important Anna Karenina? I had a feeling that I could see her soon and that was the main reason for all the eagerness. People would want to shut off lights by 11. “Damn! Yes , there are moments in a man’s life when he yearns for a private coach!”
I reached my berth , kept my baggage and immediately immersed myself into ‘Anna Karenina’.
As it always happens, when I least want it, my mobile rings. It rang. Siju ! what did he want ? gosh ! he’d said he’s coming to chennai. For some interview or something. Anyway he’d be staying at my place. will talk to him then. Let me go back to the book. I waited for the ringing to die , changed the settings to silent mode, turned off vibrator, kept the mobile back into my pocket and resumed with the book.
I’d read read a couple of pages and I found the book being snatched away from me. There he was – the all smiles chap Siju. He had the book with him.
“eda, aval evide undu”
(“She is here”)
“aaru”
(“Who”)
“aval.”
(“she”)
“bullshit! ” There was this girl whom he was going behind. He had completely fallen -was obsessed with watching her in the morning while she went to her office and in the evening when she left it. He never got tired of watching her. He had taken a snap of hers using his mobile and used to look at it for hours. But unfortunately the sad soul hadn’t mustered the courage to speak to her.
“No, This is not like earlier ones. I know she is the one for me. There will be no looking back.”
“Ok. Go ahead. Why should I come? ”
“She is sitting with another gal whom you know”
“ME ! who is that ?”
“Priya”
“My classmate in
“Yes. You just go, speak to her. Get introduced to my girl. Then..”
“Then the hero makes his appearance ! poyi pani nokkada. Give me my book.”
“Please.. please.. she’s a beauty, man. I wont be able to sleep tonight.”
“Ok. I’ll go. I’ll start the talk, then you come and when you are talking with them , I’ll withdraw taking my book. Ok? ”
He brightened.
“wokay machha. romba ok. Pokalam , pakkalam”
“where are they ?”
“S1”
We walked towards S1. I glanced at the people in other bogies. Surprisingly most of them were young. There were many girls – good looking ones that too. Yeah ! my book reading passion had made me miss a lot of things. Wouldn’t it be good to be sitting with a girl and talking ? forget it ! a talk today and she is gone tomorrow but a read today and the characters live in mind forever.
The train of thought was stopped by Siju holding my hand.
“The next one is the compartment” he whispered.
I stopped. Took a breath. It had to be natural. “walk straight , glance this way and that way casually and then suddenly look surprisedly towards her” I told myself
All credit to me. I did exactly that!
“Hey! Rups. It’s a surprise. how’re you ? what takes you to chennai? What’ve you been doing all these days? Howz your dad ? the one and only premanand ? you’ve thinned down yaar. I can no more call you fattie. I guess the credit goes to the rigorous med school schedule.”
“Seban, you haven’t changed a bit even after all these years. You still ask too many questions”
We laughed in unison.
But as always, she did answer to my queries. It was 6 years since we’d met. She had finished her MBBS and was doing post grad. She immediately started filling me with the happenings of past years. How life was tough for bright kids who did MBBS and how it was very simple for engineers who get job easily and make more money.
While we talked, the other girl just sat there neither uninterested nor interested. She didn’t show any impatience at being left out in the conversation. She sat there listening silently to our conversation. But I was getting impatient. The intent of coming was not being met. I had to break in! I gave Priya a good smile , glanced towards her friend and asked
“This is? class mate ? ”
Priya suddenly stopped, turned to her friend - “oh ! sorry. Seban, this is Celin. Close pal. Was in Christ. Our senior. Commerce batch.”
I extended my hand “Sebastian”
She shook my hands “Celin”
It might be the way she said her name. Suddenly it brought me back a flurry of memories – of college days. Yes, I had heard of this name - 'Celin' during college days.
“Are you Celin Chacko ? One who was our college magazine editor. One who used to write a lot of articles on college news letter ?”
She smiled.
“Yes”
“Cool, I used to love your articles. You know , you were brilliant. I particularly liked your movie reviews and book reviews. Let me remember some , yeah - ‘Forrest jump – hank leaps far ahead of competition !’ , ‘Gone with the widow’ .. many more. I wish I could recollect them!”
She laughed . “Oh my god ! don’t be so flattering. ”
At that very moment Siju came into the cabin.
“Hi Siju”
“Hey Rups. This is Siju. My friend. Was in also in Christ. Siju, this is Priya, this is Celin”.
I didn’t want to go. But I had given my word !
“Folks, just give me a second. I think I have left my bag open. Let me atleast close it, if not lock”
I took the book from Siju’s hand and left back to my seat, slept as I was reading it.
Siju’s shaking woke me up.
“we have reached chennai.”
“OK. Let me just wash my face. how long has it been since it stopped ?”
“5 minutes. I saw them off. Priya’s uncle had come to receive them.”
“Who. Ok. Those girls. ok”
I looked at him. He was smiling a sheepish smile. I know what he would’ve done. Would've talked at least for an hr trying to impress both gals. I had to admit. This guy had a flair with girls. The only problem was he never stuck to one.
We talked on the way to my room. Thiruvanmiyur was 30 minutes from here. He filled me with all details. Celin had come to work here. She had done her MBA and just got into Sify. By the end of the journey I knew all about her – her family , her likes , dislikes, ambitions – everything. But I just listened since he was telling me. I was least interested. Wished he could tell if she had stopped her writing or what she was reading now. I wanted to ask him , but didn’t .
“Well ! forget it.how does it matter ? I wont be seeing her again.”
Siju finished his interview and went back to
It was Onam and they had made a floral arrangement at the ground floor. I wanted to see it. Went there during lunch. I was admiring the ‘pookkalam’ when someone said “Hi”. I looked back to see – Celin.
“I forgot your name. You are Siju’s friend , right ?”
I smiled. Siju ! mone ,kudos to you !
“Sebastian. Siju is in touch with you, is he ?”
“He mails me often. Too good a chap. Don’t you agree ?”
“Yeah. a gem.” Yeah ! he hasn’t mailed me for past 2 months.
“Do you still write ?” I asked.
“No yaar. Not much. I don’t get time. Somehow find time to read. Sqeezing in reading amidst all this work is quite a tough task. But if I don’t read, I’d feel as though I am missing something. You’d read my articles. You must be a reader yourself. What do you read?”
“Yeah. That’s the only thing that I do. I sqeeze in work in between my readings and dreaming.”
I said it earnestly and seriously. But she laughed.
“You are humorous ! tell me what you are reading now.”
“ ‘Tess of d’Urbervilles’– Thomas Hardy . I like classics.”
“wow ! I too love classics. I’ve read Tess. It is so tragic you know.”
There was no stopping after that. We spoke for almost 5 hours.I went to office, took my bag and left for home.
That was the beginning.
We met often. We discussed nothing but books. Dialogues , favourite moments, the purpose , the characters. We read books together , tried to predict what would happen in the next chapter , talked about alternate endings. We wrote poems and sang them , wrote plays and played them – sometimes she would be a queen , sometimes an executive , sometime a tough mother-in-law , all as per our plays. A play today we might convert to a short story tomorrow or a poem or sometimes it would happen just the other way.
Siju called. He was coming to chennai. He was worried that she wasn’t writing to him. I said it might be because she is busy. He said there was a happy news which he wanted to share. I asked him what it was. He said he would say it once he came there.
I went to the office. My mind was not in work. I wanted to complete the article that we were writing , one about today's children not bothered much about festivals. It was titled – “Moan ! It is Onam”. That moan was an anagram of onam made me smile.
As I was smiling and writing, my manager came to my seat
“Sebastian, Could we have a word ?”
We went into a meeting room. He talked for 15 minutes in a high-pitched voice, shouting this and that, about me having missed all deadlines. Something .. I dont remember. I heard nothing except for the last sentence – “either you be more attentive to work or resign. I have no use of dreamers. I want doers.”
I felt as though I had lost sensitivity.
“ok. I’ll resign. This is far from the job that I want to do or can do. Bye. If you want me to serve the notice period, I’ll do so.”
I wanted it to be over. Wanted to get back to what I was writing.
He was furious.
“Get out. By tomorrow get all the formalities done.”
Siju came in the next day morning.
(To be continued..)
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